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American Dating – Why It Doesn’t Work For You

Honestly, American dating is discussed A LOT. It receives a lot of criticism, at both American women and men.  One of those critiques comes from James Maverick from his blog Maverick Traveller. In this article he shares his frustrations at how ‘un-datable’ American dating scene is – especially its women.

American dating is too political.

One of Maverick’s first grievances is that the US dating scene is too political. According to him, Americans love to debate and discuss – everything from politics to personal lifestyle. No wonder when you search for the term ‘dating’, Google throws up thousands and thousands of bad articles about dating-this-and-that.  To be honest, YouTube is just as bad.

This man asserts that American women are endlessly argumentative. They’re too politically correct about themes which you don’t want to be politically correct about, especially not on a date. (a.k.a. Dating = joining a debate society.)

american dating debate

Are American women less confident than their European counterparts?

Maverick then directs his frustration at not being able to date as freely and easily in the American dating arena as perhaps in other parts of the world. According to him, the women reduce their conversations to mere discussions of topics and opinions that are generally accepted in the wider American society and culture. Dating in the US is almost like practicing a speech and giving it over and over again.

Maverick asserts that flirting and building real chemistry between two people requires (and it does) a certain level of risk. You don’t really know what the other person likes or how they might react. That is why you risk exposing yourself, your true(r) self. You show the other person who you are. We all find someone much more attractive once we feel like we know them more intimately.

couple flirting

Flirting and American dating...

Flirting is supposed to be attractive, and playful and enjoyable. Don’t sound like a robot reciting lines. When meeting people, you look for true connection. You can’t get that through a political discussion of intimate ideas.

“On top of that, today’s American woman has endless options when it comes to meeting and seeing new men. It’s common for a girl to go on several dates a week. I’ve been on my share of dates where I would discretely notice the woman’s smartphone receiving a new Match.com message while she was talking to me.”

woman on the phone

This is true. Always wanting more and more options, does make everything seem less important. Perhaps we need to make it clear what kind of dating we look for. Having many options and using dating as a pass time is  great. But only for someone who does not seek a serious relationship and still likes to connect with people. There is nothing wrong with that.

On the other hand, if you look for a serious thing (which was not clear from Maverick’s article), make sure that you are meeting people the way that would imply that you are serious. Example: You won’t find your life-long spouse at 3 am in a club (which in the online dating world translates to Tinder). Naturally, if you have a more thoughtful and decent approach to finding a long-term relationship, you will look elsewhere. You might look to places like coffee shops, parks, extra classes, etc. (which is the equivalent to Prospr).

American women are insecure.

insecure american women

He assures his readers that the American dating scene is the way it is because American women are simply less confident. In another article he scrutinises the low self-esteem of women when it comes to dating in the US:

Are you that insecure that you don’t believe some guy actually called you without any premeditated planning whatsoever? That perhaps the world is not a series of planned steps to be executed in perfect sequence?

american dating

Although he might not have been looking in the right places for a meaningful connection, he does have a point there. Our world is this projection of many, many dating ‘games’ that everyone seems to be playing. There is simply no space for genuine, honest exchanges. Perhaps the internet is to be blamed. It comes up with countless ‘step-by-step’ guides that take you through every possible situation in dating, leaving you with little room for spontaneous and human interaction.

Is this harmful to American dating?

The number of dating coaches and experts in the US dating industry grows exponentially – you can’t deny that. All these so-called gurus fly in from all over the world to help women in America to date more easily, but there is one problem. Dating is supposed to be spontaneous and emotional – it shouldn’t be some programme that you follow for 30 days and are ‘guaranteed’ to get a partner at the end of it.

American dating

It does not work like that. Life doesn’t work like that.

Besides, where is the excitement in that? Why sacrifice the beautiful buzz of butterflies in your tummy as you meet up with someone? Or the smile upon receiving a text message? For what, a supposedly ‘fool-proof’ way to get the guy? A series of pre-meditated, scripted texts that will ‘get the guy’ for you…

The truth is – we are not perfect, and we learn every day. All of us. Stop playing mind games with all of these guys and let yourself be vulnerable. That is the beauty of being a woman – you decide who you are with and all of it. Once you make the decision, you can relax and let your guard down. You find a partner who can create a safe space for you and support you along the way. (Of course, you should reciprocate this.) 

happy couple

Beating (up) the stereotypes.

If you take the man’s role and you deny him the opportunity to show you that he is financially stable enough to pay for your dinner 3 nights in a row, how is he supposed to be confident around you? Where is his pride? Why would he call you back or take you seriously if you obviously don’t need a man?

I know that you are a strong independent woman. You have a great job, you may even be better remunerated than he is. You have everything figured out and everything is working. Right? And you still WANT a man in your life? But why? You’ve got everything and you got it by yourself, why the hell would you want a man? What is a man’s role in your life now? On this note, I will refer you to this video from Matthew Hussey – he couldn’t have explained this better.

independent woman

Dating in the US is no longer what it used to be.

The problem is that us women, we moved on from the traditional society.  We don’t need men, we learned how to create security for ourselves. True, we work longer than ever, and we are exhausted but that is the price of it right? But men, somewhat slow, they have not caught on to this new way of living. In fact, they are rather lost in the dating world now – they lost their role as men. But we still want them in our lives…… but not?! See, that can be so confusing and this article from The Give and Get blog demonstrates how negatively this can impact a relationship.

I am sure plenty of you out there are successful women with successful careers in all sorts of departments, perhaps in management. What is the point of management? Besides everything else, it’s delegating. Let the man be a man. Delegate some of your tasks to him – let him get the check after a date, help you with various tasks, let him feel good about himself and feel useful. Once you are in a relationship let him have some responsibility.

American dating man

There is no quick fix to the problem of the American dating scene today. The key take-away is that you need to be selective about what advice you take on, and make sure that you actually want a man in your life. Once you make that decision, you need to relax and delegate some responsibility to the man. Make him feel like you need him, make sure he knows how helpful he is. You might be surprised – to have a partner means easing your workload a hundred-fold.

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